Guest Writer: Concerned & Full of Joy

I hadn’t really planned on having guest writers but when Caroline sent this to me yesterday, I knew I had to share it. I am really proud of her for putting all these big feelings out in to the world. Being a rising senior in the midst of a global pandemic isn’t easy. Thank goodness writing makes it all a little bit better.

Written by: Caroline Loscalzo

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. Not like “sometimes I get stressed about a big test or a championship game” kind of anxiety but more like “constant nagging feeling that something horrible is about to happen” kind of anxiety. So as one might imagine, this trait combined with a global pandemic entering my senior year of high school has made these last few months pretty interesting. 

In addition to my anxiety I also deeply, deeply love my life. I love my family and my friends and soccer and reading and writing and the beach and ice coffee and getting my nails done and the list goes on and on. I truly do consider myself to be happier than the average person. That is why when I came across this quote from Factfulness: Ten Reasons We’re Wrong About The World and Why Things Are Better Than You Think (a must read for anyone ever in my opinion), I was amazed by this perspective. The authors write about having “two thoughts at the same time: concerned and full of joy”. They were evidently not referencing this specific situation, but I don’t think I have ever come across a better description of myself. 

Thinking back to that first week in March when the whole world came crashing down, I vividly remember sitting on my back deck with my sister, Katherine, in bikinis and blankets. The world as we knew it had been flipped upside down within a matter of days. Our lives that had once been filled with long school days, extracurricular activities, trips to the mall or a coffee shop, had now been reduced to spending hours each day just sitting on the deck. We talked and read and wrote and even colored sometimes. The outside world was terrifying and whenever I stopped to think about the rising number of hospitalizations or how long we would be out of school or the disaster this would be for my favorite small businesses, to say I was concerned would be an understatement. 

AND my daily life held more joy than I thought possible. I learned how much I needed rest. For the first time in years, I felt like I could binge watch tv or take an hour to lie in bed without fear of falling behind on something. I filled my days with long runs and walks and hot coffee and blankets outside in the mornings. I looked forward to Friday nights when we would order food out, and Saturday mornings when my dad would come home from the grocery store with fresh donuts. I had some of the most honest conversations of my life with the people I love most. I was deeply, deeply concerned for the world and I was also full of so much joy.  

Fast forward to now- the end of July. This past week has been overwhelming to say the least. I got my driver’s license, our school board presented the plan for returning to school in the fall, sports were cancelled for a week out of an abundance of caution, and we are getting ready to go to the beach next week and see our extended family for the first time in many, many months. The combination of all of these things, as well as my naturally emotional nature and tendency towards dramatic thinking, have led to this being a week in which I have been often concerned AND full of joy. 

I have decided that perhaps the key for me to getting through any challenge in life and in this case a global pandemic, is to allow myself to be both concerned and full of joy. Both of those feelings are normal. It is normal to be happy about small things, like being able to get your nails done again or getting to go on a family vacation, and simultaneously concerned about if you will have a soccer season and if this virus will EVER feel more in control. It’s all normal. 

I anticipate the next few months holding many of these same feelings- of uncertainty and anxiety some days and of hope and joy other days. And most days, some of both. Because it is entirely okay to have those two thoughts at the same time: concerned and full of joy.